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Parenting During Tough Times

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The divorce rate is hovering just around 50% still.  There are also more single moms and dads today who have such a huge variety of family set-ups after a divorce.  From joint custody to no custody, and everything in between.  While thankfully, single parenting isn’t looked at the way it was years ago that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not easy.

There are some things you can do to help you and your ex-spouse and most importantly: Your children get through a divorce with far less trouble and chaos.

• Don’t bad mouth the other parent!

While sure it may feel good to get some of those names and feelings off your chest, your child (or for that matter, anywhere to where there’s even a remote chance of being overheard) is not the person to tell things like this to. Your child will love both of their parents, no matter what.  By badmouthing your spouse, you are also by proxy harming your child.

• Reassure your child!

Sit down, (if possible both you and your spouse) to reassure and answer any questions about divorce your child may have.  Do not tell them the reasons, save for we won’t be living together anymore.  A child does not need to know who is a fault, who did what, or anything like that.

The do need to know that you both love them and that doesn’t change.

• Never use your child as a telephone or pawn.

Don’t use your child as a ‘spy’, or intentionally try to ‘buy them’, or have them be a messenger.  If it is important enough to say to the spouse, pick up the phone.

Also don’t change the rules, attempt to keep things in both homes as similar as possible.  A common way parents try to ‘get back’ at the other is very lenient rules.  Although, even in cases where parents may feel bad and make the rules lenient, it’s much better for the child to know that the rules are basically the same in both homes.

• Try to show your children that you and your spouse can still be civil.

This one can be hard, considering there could still be a lot of hurt feelings between you and your spouse.  It is important to show your child that the two of you will get along, this also can help build self esteem in your child and help them later in life.

• Save Introductions!

You or your spouse may have a new girlfriend or boyfriend, save the introductions for later.  After the divorce, and when there is a definite chance for that person to be around for the long run then you can ease them into your child’s life.  Try to avoid the common mistake of introducing a boyfriend or girlfriend as ‘Uncle’ or ‘Aunt’, as this can pose some problems later on.  While formalities may be a bit much, first names can be better. 

While some of these things may not be possible for everyone, or even logical in some situations the more you and your spouse (depending on the situations of course) can act like ‘adults’ and be reasonable, the more successful you both and your children will be.

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